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I am an avid participant of this sub, this place and it's participants have helped me so much in learning about engagement rings. Recently I've seen a bunch of posts from people just starting out and not knowing where to begin, and I get it: there's a ton to know and not everybody has the time or inclination to sort this sub by "new" for months on end to compile this information themselves. So here is an amalgamation of everything I (an amateur jewelry enthusiast) think you need to know before you start. Please keep in mind this isn't the only information you'll need to know, but I wanted to answer some of the most common "newbie" questions in one place. Here we go!

Budget -- How much should I spend?

The question is not how much should you spend, it's how much are you comfortable spending for a lifetime piece? What is the limit of what you can pay outright, without financing the ring, and still having enough savings to comfortably live on for at least 2 months?

Financing a ring may seem appealing, but it's ultimately a more expensive and financially risky move. What if something happens to your income and you're no longer able to make payments? You might not only have to sell the ring to recoup losses, but your credit might also take a hit, and all of that is some drama that's avoidable by simply making the choice not to finance.

This is also the reasoning behind the "two months worth of savings" caveat. Sending yourself into debt right before you ask to spend the rest of your life with someone is ill-advised at best and inconsiderate at worst. Again, if something happens to your source of income, you'll absolutely want the 2 months buffer to find a new source of income more than you'll want a sparkly rock.

For some people, this number is ~$200 and for others it's closer to ~$20,000. Nobody can tell you what to spend except you. Beautiful rings come in all budgets!

Ring size -- How do I get her ring size without her knowing?

Well there's are a lot of options, but I'm personally heavily biased towards the last one. You can:

A. Steal a ring from her that she normally wears (on her engagement ring finger, ring sizes differ from finger to finger on the same hand) and take it to a jeweler to be sized before you put it back

B. Talk to her family or friends and see if any of them can do reconnaissance for you

C. "Hey you know, [mutual friend]? He's going to pop the question to his gf but doesn't know her ring size. You guys have similar hands, what's yours for reference?"

D. Literally just ask her. It's a really antiquated tradition that the man in the relationship has to surprise her with the ring and the proposal; most couples today shop together for the ring. I've seen far too many "how do I tell him I love him but the ring isn't my style" posts on these engagement reddits and it's heartbreaking every time. The bride loves the gesture and the emotionally charged ring, but ultimately she does have to wear it on her finger everyday and it should be something that suits her and that she loves. That conversation is hard to have in and of itself, and that's not even to mention all the vitriol and public pressure she's under to "just suck it up and wear what he got you" because "aren't you supposed to love the man and not the ring?" (Real comments I've read on these advice posts).

You can still have the grand (or understated if that's more "you") romantic gesture, and surprise her with the engagement, but the ring should really be designed with her. That way there's no guessing on ring sizes, or whether or not she likes halos or solitaires, or lab grown vs. mined vs. alternative stone... She gets the ring of her dreams, you don't have to stress about finding something she'll love, and the proposal can go on as regularly scheduled.

Fancy rocks -- What should I buy?

Only the person you are buying this ring for knows the answer to this question. Nobody else.

Diamonds are still the most common center stone purchase for engagent rings although many brides prefer alternative stones like moissanite or sapphire for a more unique engagement look. The only opinion that matters is the opinion of the woman who will wear the ring. If someone tries to convince you to buy a diamond when she explicitly told you she wants a rutilated tourmaline, to hell with tradition! Get your woman something she wants!

There's a really harmful idea floating around that diamond lookalikes like moissanite, CZ, and white sapphires are "fake diamonds", but there's literally no such thing as a "fake diamond". A rock either is a diamond or it isn't. After all, a proposal without a diamond isn't a "fake proposal"! This fake diamond line implies that only relationships in which a diamond is exchanged is a relationship worth celebrating, and that's BS 😂 different stones are beautiful too, and maybe your lady wants one of those? Talk to her about it!

So many factors go into deciding what stone is right, but this is a beginner's guide, so I'm just going to touch upon some of the most common variables people consider when they're looking at gemstones.

Cost

Obviously the budget is key here, and natural stones cost more than lab made versions of the same stone. Chemically speaking, there's no difference at all between a lab diamond and a mined diamond, the latter just takes significantly more labor to produce, therefore the cost is higher.

Prices of different stones vary greatly too. Aquamarines are less expensive that sapphires, and diamonds are more expensive than pretty much anything else.

Ethics

So, elephant in the room: diamonds are dangerous. Thousands of people have died over the past century or so because of diamond conflicts. Yikes. There are more ethical mining practices today, but there's no way to guarantee that your mined diamond has not seen conflict. How do you avoid giving money to an industry that doesn't value the human lives that fuel it? Lab grown gemstones! 100% of all lab gemstones are conflict free if she's into that!

Value

Natural gemstones are more valuable than lab grown. It's just a fact. The price per carat of natural diamonds has increased dramatically since 100 years ago, outpacing inflation. A natural diamond bought a century ago is worth more than what was paid for it. If it is important to you that jewelry be an "investment" natural gems might be the way for you.

u/diamonddealer knows more about this than I currently do, maybe he can weigh in with more info.

Aesthetics

Some people like color, some people don't 🤷‍♀️ talk to her about what she likes.

"It's just what I like, I don't know why"

Say you've decided on buying a diamond, and you read about how lab grown diamonds are cheaper and more ethical than mined diamonds. But one day your lady tells you that she wants a mined diamond. She knows that lab diamonds are a good choice for some people, but for herself, she thinks there's something romantic about a million-year old rock spit up from the mantle of the earth to symbolize your everlasting love for one another.

She can't explain why she feels that way, only that she does. This is totally valid! Do what's right for you and your relationship, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

More info

Check out these subs for more information about different types of gems:

r/diamonds, r/moissanite, r/syntheticgemstones, r/shinypreciousgems, r/labdiamond, and r/highqualitygemstones (this last sub is gemstone sales only)

Visualizing style -- What kind of ring should I buy?

This is another question that can't be answered by anyone except the ring wearer. But there are online resources for seeing examples of rings you like before you buy! Check out mysparkly.com and diamdb.com to see how different sized gems look on hands that look like yours!

Sources and sellers -- Where do I buy my engagement ring?

This is a difficult question to answer as a lot of this comes down to budget.

Low

If you're not looking to spend an arm and a leg, I reccomend heading over to r/moissanite (even if you're not looking to buy moissanite) and checking out their sub info. There's a ton of information about overseas vendors where you can get a perfectly respectable ring for a fraction of the price you'd find them domestically. The sub also has thousands of buyer reviews of those sellers! So you know you can trust the process even if it seems a little strange.

Mid

Local jewelers will generally surprise you with how reasonable their prices are! And if you're unable to go out, James Allen and Blue Nile are wonderful online retailers that are reccomended here all the time.

High

Get your lady a designer ring. Sure you're paying a little more for the brand name and a blue box, but if it's what she's into and it's financially within your means, why not?

Avoid

Kay, Jared, Pandora, and other big box jewelry stores you'd find in a mall. The markup is extreme and the quality is poor.

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I seriously hope this helps the newbies get their feet under them. If you read through this whole thing and then have more specific questions about your personal process, feel free to comment here or make your own post! This community is so wonderful and helpful, I know we'll do our best to answer any other questions you have 😊

Top Comment:

Blue Nile is decent, but I think it's helpful to look into the ownership of some of these jewelry brands. Blue Nile is owned by Signet, and a lot of their margin comes from streamlining and cost cutting. A lot of their work is also done overseas

Forum: r/EngagementRings